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Lane Anderson's avatar

I wrote this essay "An Epidemic of Never Being Alone" for my Substack Matriarchy Report, when I realized that after I had my baby, I hadn't been alone in my home for any significant stretch of time for almost three years.

Many parents, especially women, are deprived of time to themselves, and in the comments it was wonderful to see how many women related to this. It was also delightful to see how many mid-to-late life women live alone and LOVE IT. Which no one talks about!

https://open.substack.com/pub/matriarchyreport/p/an-epidemic-of-never-being-alone?r=ywbs&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

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Jessica Smock's avatar

This resonated with me so much. I will be sharing!

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Lane Anderson's avatar

Aw thanks so much, Jessica! I'm glad to hear :)

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Melissa Amateis's avatar

I lived alone (well, with my daughter) when my marriage broke up. Then years later, after I'd dated my boyfriend for two years, we moved in together. We broke up earlier this year and I'm living alone again with my adult daughter. I can confidently say I never want to live with a man again! I find so much peace being on my own.

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Lane Anderson's avatar

And also when I lived w women were some of the best times of my life. I would do this again in a heartbeat :)

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Lane Anderson's avatar

I also lived alone after my divorce and I look back on it now as a golden time!! Glad to hear I love this for you :)

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Amy Bee's avatar

If I ever stopped being married for some reason, I would definitely choose to live alone! Although, I already tend to self-isolate, so maybe that's not a surprise, ha. Thanks for sharing.

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Shelly Mazzanoble's avatar

I fantasize about living alone all the time!

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The Intentional Life's avatar

Right there behind you! I was alone for an hour and a half yesterday and it was GLORIOUS

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Lane Anderson's avatar

You're not alone!

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Lane Anderson's avatar

SAME

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Sondra Primeaux's avatar

Early motherhood turned my drinking problem into a raging drinking problem. I wish I'd had the courage to ask for support. Grateful that I did eventually. Such an important topic.

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Lane Anderson's avatar

Oof, I'm so sorry. You are not alone in this. So many women and women writers who admire immensely have come out about their drinking/addictions that worsened during the pandemic lockdown--which of course was like the isolation of postpartum x1 million.

You're not alone. Thanks sharing.

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That Hag's avatar

I loved this essay! I felt everything you wrote about so strongly that most of my reading time was spent nodding in agreement.

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Lane Anderson's avatar

Aw I'm so glad! Thanks for reading. It has been a joy to see how women respond to this--especially the ones that live alone and love it :)

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Charlene Alofs's avatar

I have been divorced now for 14 years, and have been alone for 10 of those years (after a post-divorce-too-soon-and painful relationship after my divorce. Lots of reasons I stayed single, but I needed the time on my own to process all of the baggage I had not realized I had.

And what I have learned is alone doesn't equate to loneliness.

In fact, being alone, whether single or otherwise, is essential and healthy for regrouping, processing that which needs processing, and energizing ourselves. I can attest to the empowerment of dancing (maybe naked) a time or two. Great prompt for us all to ponder.

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Lane Anderson's avatar

Yes! "I needed the time on my own to process all of the baggage I had not realized I had." I also lived alone after my divorce and I look back on it now as such a magical and formative time.

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Elizabeth Heydary's avatar

I shared this post with my college roommate a couple weeks ago! She asked me everything I liked to do when I was alone at home- she commented she never lived alone because she always had roommates before moving in with her husband. I lived alone for only one year when I moved to my current city before my sister moved in with me while she was attending grad school.

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Lane Anderson's avatar

Yes! I think this is true for so many women. I have to say that I would live alone again, but living with a sister might beat that option! Living with women has been some of the BEST times of my life.

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Elizabeth Heydary's avatar

I was talking about this last night at book club and living with my sister when she was in grad school and I was in law school was hands down best experience of my life- we had the same standards of clean, same taste in tv, divided chores really easily because we defaulted to what we did growing up. I cooked more than her but I genuinely didn’t mind because she was so appreciative of my effort. Cooking for kids compared to cooking for my sister is so much more thankless!

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Lane Anderson's avatar

Yes! I love this for both of you. I also lived with my sister for a year in college and we loved it. We had so much dumb fun!

If I could talk my sisters into living in a compound I 100% would.

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Elizabeth Heydary's avatar

I actually do live on a compound of sorts with my in-laws but my sister lives 40 minutes away now- at one point my in-laws, BIL and SIL, husbands grandparents and his aunt and uncle all lived in our neighborhood but now his brother’s fam is gone and his grandparents died. But there are still 4 family owned properties on our street and then his aunt and uncle live in a house on the perpendicular street. My husband’s other aunt and uncle live 10 minutes away and the night I met them, his family joked about needing to pack a cooler to leave the compound. My husband claims we are moving in 3 school years when my oldest starts middle school but I won’t believe it until it happens. I am very thankful for the relationship my kids have with their grandparents and the relationship I have with my MIL and FIL.

My parents moved 10 minutes away 3 years ago and my sister visits on a near weekly basis.

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Dr. Barbara's avatar

This is so true

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Shelly Mazzanoble's avatar

I read this! (As in before I saw it here on this thread) It was incredible!

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Lane Anderson's avatar

Aw thanks so much Shelly! I'm glad you liked it :)

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Miranda van den Heuvel's avatar

Loving this thread already!

Is midlife necessarily a crisis or is it all about getting real, unbecoming what we have been pushed to be and finally allowing ourselves to become that creative being we were meant to be from the start?

https://mirandavandenheuvel.substack.com/p/getting-real-women-and-midlife-crisis

I love reading My menopause brain.

Because here I am, sleepless in Luxembourg.

https://substack.com/home/post/p-149703675?source=queue

Rosie and her life living and writing in Italy

https://rosiemeleady.substack.com/p/my-year-of-retreats-begins?utm_source=post-banner&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=posts-open-in-app&triedRedirect=true

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Jessica Smock's avatar

I love all discussions about what to call what happens to women during midlife — is it a "crisis"? A "reinvention"? A "reawakening"?

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Melissa Amateis's avatar

An opportunity!

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Amy Bee's avatar

It does feel a little bit like becoming and a little bit like unbecoming. I don't feel like I'm in crisis. If anything, I'm feeling a loosening up of arbitrary rules that don't work or fit anymore. Thanks for sharing these posts!

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Jessica Smock's avatar

Oh, yes! "Becoming" and "Unbecoming." Those are perfect descriptors.

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Elise Young's avatar

"It does feel a little bit like becoming and a little bit like unbecoming." --> Beautiful. Yes.

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Amy Brown's avatar

Ah this is me too!

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Melissa Amateis's avatar

Off to read your Substack about midlife not being a crisis but about getting real! Mine is similar to that - I see it as an opportunity! https://melissaamateis.substack.com/p/midlife-crisis-nope-midlife-opportunity

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Jen Berlingo, LPC, ATR's avatar

I love this. I reframed midlife as a midlife emergence® and wrote a book by that title that you may enjoy! https://a.co/h5UDU4Y

I can't wait to read your post!

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Amy Brown's avatar

Great reframe

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Kaarin Marx Smith's avatar

Miranda, I've been enjoying your posts for awhile now. Keep up the excellent writing.

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Pam Johnston's avatar

I love the idea of midlife being an opportunity to put down the baggage we've all been dragging around for so many years. I'm constantly realizing that my life is shaped by influences that have nothing to do with how I live my life now--but the only way to escape that influence is to acknowledge what's true for me.

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Sondra Primeaux's avatar

I quit drinking at age 45. Instead of a crisis, I called it my Midlife Solution. Ten years later and still one of my better decisions.

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Deb Kelner, she/her's avatar

"Midlife Solution", damn, I love that label.

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Jen Berlingo, LPC, ATR's avatar

I think of it as unbecoming everything we were told we should be to become who we truly are! YES! I call it a midlife emergence® and wrote a book by that title that you may enjoy! Loved, commented, restacked!

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Kristi Koeter's avatar

Love this! I’m seeing it as liberation, an opportunity for reinvention and a time to perhaps find your truest self!

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Sarah Kmon's avatar

I'm going to go read your piece about whether midlife is a crisis or not, out of sheer curiosity because "crisis" just doesn't resonate with me at all. It may be because of what I have going on, but I'm super curious to read what other's are experiencing. Looking forward to it!

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Rosemary Writes & Recovers 🌹's avatar

https://open.substack.com/pub/rosemarywritesandrecovers/p/i-dont-want-to-be-amazing-anymore?r=b84yg&utm_medium=ios

Hi! I am honored to be in the company of you badass midlifers.

This post was a guest post I wrote for SoberSubstack app. ⬆️

“I Don’t Want to Be Amazing Anymore”

The underlying inspiration for the post is sobriety from alcohol, but I address something that I think many, maybe most of us, women struggle with:

PERFECTIONISM and PEOPLE PLEASING going way back to childhood, my parents and school and clear up up my midlife parenting to adult children and my codependency there and my job.

Maybe it will resonate with you!

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Amy Brown's avatar

Such a great post Rosemary! I related all too well.

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Rosemary Writes & Recovers 🌹's avatar

Thank you so much, Amy.

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Vera Jerinic-Brodeur's avatar

Yes! I gave up alcohol a little over a year ago, and am a recovering perfectionist. It's so interesting how it took getting to midlife for me to be able to recognize the widespread impact being a "good girl" has had on so many facets of my life.

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Pam Johnston's avatar

That connection between perfectionism and alcohol abuse is always so surprising to people. But, given that we're all imperfect human beings, how can we live with ourselves without blurring the line we can't help but cross? Even being sober is a challenge for me because I want to be the "perfect" non-drinker (as if such a thing exists.)

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Rosemary Writes & Recovers 🌹's avatar

Yes to all of that. This resonates for me-trying to be “perfectly” sober. Eesh-the work is so hard. Thanks for sharing what landed for you, Pam.

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Nan Tepper's avatar

Restacking! Yay. Love SoberStack. We ARE badasses!

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Nan Tepper's avatar

And I have another stack. Launched about 2.5 months ago, it's called "Style Your Stack." I'm a web and graphic designer and have been working with writer clients to help them identify their brands and looks. Organizational and tech/backend help as well. One of my most recent posts there is about helping Sarah Fay of Substack Writers at Work rebrand that stack and I also helped her rebrand her author stack and move her away from a traditional website to only having the author stack. She's thrilled about the changes.

https://styleyourstack.substack.com/p/style-your-stack-design-sarah-fay

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Jessica Smock's avatar

Nan, I will be getting it touch with you about doing a workshop in the future for our readers, if that's okay. I know for a fact that many, many of us could use your help!

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Shelly Mazzanoble's avatar

LOVE this idea!

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Nan Tepper's avatar

I'd love to do that! Yes, please.

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Kristi Koeter's avatar

Oooh, interested in your services.

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Nan Tepper's avatar

Yay! I hope you get in touch. Thanks, Kristi.

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Shelly Mazzanoble's avatar

Ooh that's amazing! I noticed her rebrand! What a cool concept. I can't wait to check it out!

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Nan Tepper's avatar

Thanks, Shelly! Look me up!

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Shelly Mazzanoble's avatar

Oh I did! I could definitely use your help!

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Kaarin Marx Smith's avatar

Nan -- I need you! I've been looking for help. Can't wait to check out your site and reach out. Thanks

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Nan Tepper's avatar

Super! I saw you subscribed. Looking forward to meeting you.

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Karen Wesley's avatar

Hi Everyone,

This post is a bit all over the map, kind of like my ADHD brain.

It's about the healing process after losing myself in marriage and motherhood.

I also celebrate small victories of my two young-adult, autistic sons, while being honest about how challenging it is to be their mother.

I invite my readers to celebrate their own small victories and join my community where we will celebrate each other.

https://substack.com/@karenwesleywriter/note/p-149504348

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Karen Wesley's avatar

I hope I'm doing this right. I'm looking forward to the posts in this thread to check you all out comment, and share you in Notes.

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Jessica Smock's avatar

You are doing it perfectly! So glad you're here! xo

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Amy Bee's avatar

I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share the challenges you face. Thank you!

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Tracy Mansolillo's avatar

Love this Karen, Just subscribed.

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Karen Wesley's avatar

Thank you!

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Melissa Amateis's avatar

This is so awesome! Thank you, thank you!

I wrote a post about how the supposed midlife "crisis" is really a midlife OPPORTUNITY, and how it's so important for women in midlife to find community and support with each other.

https://melissaamateis.substack.com/p/midlife-crisis-nope-midlife-opportunity

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That Hag's avatar

I both enjoyed and wholeheartedly agreed with this <3 Thanks for posting it! While I know we control very little in this life, I do think we can change our approach toward and perception of who we are and what we value. Shifting that mindset can be tough, though, especially with all the messaging we get (and have gotten)!

Your post feels like a fellow of one I wrote a few weeks ago: https://thathag.substack.com/p/laying-the-self-sacrifice-to-rest

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Melissa Amateis's avatar

I LOVED your post! (Left a comment). The messaging was SO strong, and I am desperate to break free of it.

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Amy Bee's avatar

I've just refocused my Stack (My Therapist Says You're All Rooting For Me) to explore and document my search for my missing self esteem at 48 years old. I'm doing all kinds of uncomfortable and brave (for me) stuff, one of those being to include audio to my posts. This is my first attempt. I'd love to hear what you all think and even join me as I try to figure out how to stop hiding from the world.

https://amybee.substack.com/p/how-to-fail-and-feel-good-about-it

And here's my first note about attempting stand-up comedy: https://substack.com/@amybee/note/c-71133209

Thank you!

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Tineke Tammes's avatar

Really enjoyed your post on How to fail and feel good about it! As if you've been in my head and wrote it all down (bar the Ioda references, or even Yoda). Signed up and looking forward to reading more!

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Amy Bee's avatar

That's great, Tineke, thank you. I promise that's the only Yoda reference in my arsenal! :)

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Shelly Mazzanoble's avatar

What a great title and concept! Sign me up!

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Pia Owens's avatar

The standup comedy note is hilarious. I coach women who are confident and strong in all sorts of ways, but struggle to advocate for themselves. Let me know if you want to talk! We could do an interview/conversation for a newsletter.

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Amy Bee's avatar

Thank you, Pia! I’m open to talking. (See me trying to “yes, and”?!) Your work sounds fascinating.

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Kristi Koeter's avatar

Oooh love the idea behind this. I did a similar thing at 47. I thought I was just quitting diets and transitioning to intuitive eating, but it turns out I was on a quest to heal myself.

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Elise Young's avatar

Thanks so much, Jessica.

My Substack is heavy stuff: Violence changed my appearance and my psyche forever, and sent my attacker into a psychiatric center formerly known as the state hospital for the criminally insane. But violence also prompted my return to horses, and their healing power. And frankly the comedy bits are endless when you're riding in your mid-50s and you're no longer worrying about competitions every weekend and instead pausing to take in what we call young horse school. It's just NUTS in the very best way. https://eliseyoung.substack.com/p/young-horse-school-and-the-fat-lady

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Tracy Mansolillo's avatar

I wrote this essay "Can You Start a Writing Career When You're Over 50?" as a Guest post for Kristina God's substack, The On Line Writing Club. It was a follow-up to an earlier article I wrote last year on my stack, The Power of Change called "Life After 50 Is Not The End."

Both have resonated with readers. I was tired of seeing endless success stories of 20 and 30 year olds smashing their dreams but none of those in mid-life who made a pivot, followed a passion, and found success at 50+.

https://open.substack.com/pub/kristinagod/p/can-you-start-a-writing-career-when?r=4l7yj&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

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Jessica Smock's avatar

As you know, I loved this piece!

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Tracy Mansolillo's avatar

Thank you Jessica!

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Kaarin Marx Smith's avatar

Yes -- I already feel the energy of this community.

After 30 Years of Marriage I wondered if it was time to leave. A casual conversation with my husband ended up with us quitting our jobs and backpacking around South America to see if what we had was worth saving.

https://alifeunpacked.substack.com/p/thirty-years-of-marriage-time-to

As I've hit midlife, reaching for connection has become even more important. Sometimes it's a matter of reaching back to my roots, realizing that what I'm really longing for is connection with...myself.

https://alifeunpacked.substack.com/p/swedens-national-pastime-feeds-the

Life is such an adventure isn't it? I'm unpacking what I'm carrying with me and what I'm leaving behind as I hit midlife. I hope you'll join me on the journey.

https://alifeunpacked.substack.com/p/lost-on-the-tour-du-mont-blanc

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Vera Jerinic-Brodeur's avatar

I love this so much! I've been married for 27 years and have 2 adult children. Many of the thoughts and feelings you describe really resonate with me. I also love what you said about the need for connection with yourself. In the younger years of marriage, I think I expected my husband to fill the void of what was missing internally. It's liberating to now that topping myself off is up to me:).

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Heather Johnson Durocher's avatar

Hi, Kaarin! I’m so glad I found your work here—just read your essay about being married for 30 years and did this ever resonate with me! We just celebrated 25 years of marriage and I’m finding I have a lot of emotions around this time of our life. I’m writing about this, and also parenting adult kids and rediscovering myself in my newsletter Moving Through. I want to write even more about longterm marriage and your words have inspired me.

I’m looking forward to reading more and have just subscribed to your newsletter community. Thank you for sharing!

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Nan Tepper's avatar

This is my latest post (published this morning). My stack is called The Next Write Thing. In this essay, I write about letting go of an early childhood fear that I've carried with me through adulthood until this year. I write about my recovery process from an eating disorder, mental health, family and childhood. Hope you'll check it out! So good to be here.

https://nantepper.com/p/the-opposite-of-fear-is-love

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Amy Bee's avatar

Great tale, I loved how you formatted it and I admire your self-examination. Thank you for sharing this, Nan!

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Nan Tepper's avatar

Thanks for reading, Amy!

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Holly Sawchuk's avatar

How awesome are all of you? Can’t wait to read everything here!

I recently wrote about why work-life balance doesn’t make sense as a concept. Working and living are not two separate things! Our lives are more of a swirl of work, love and self-understanding. My essay talks about my mid-COVID realization that I needed to change my life.

https://thisisniceforus.substack.com/p/something-better-than-work-life-balance?r=am2eq

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Nicole Giordano's avatar

Holly this is beautiful! It really resonated with me as I embark on possibly changing my career completely. I also really loved the line about things *feeling* brown-- I completely get that.

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Holly Sawchuk's avatar

Thanks Nicole! Here's to escaping the brown rooms. I really love your welcome blurb on your newsletter! It's so hard to sum up what we're writing about, and you did it so well.

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Holly Bailie (she/her)'s avatar

I loved this article Holly, it's such an interesting perspective and inspired me as I'm trying to shift my career path and come back into alignment with my values. Thanks for sharing it!

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Holly Sawchuk's avatar

I'm so happy it resonated with you, Holly!

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Melissa Mowry's avatar

So glad this got shared this week Holly! You know it's one of my favorites of yours!

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Shelly's avatar

Hi All,

First of all, I love these share threads. Mostly because we get exposed to rich writing that the algorithm may not have fed us if not for this. So, thank you! Excited to explore your stacks today!

Secondly, I'm linking my first post on my Substack, the one where my nest empties in a trifecta year for my kids and I hightail it out of our hometown because I just can't be there without them.

https://shellylouise.substack.com/p/starting-here

There is a section on my stack where I am serializing a memoir and posting weekly of my 49th year and a spiritual journey that began with a complete stranger. You're invited to that as well.

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Sondra Primeaux's avatar

Hi Midstackers! Can't wait to dive into this thread.

My latest essay is one in a string where I'm reckoning with a pretty fresh Parkinson's diagnosis.

https://specialthememoir.substack.com/p/rip-ambition

If you want a little back story on the diagnosis, this is one I published on the Sober App Substack.

https://soberapp.substack.com/p/sober-recovery-parkinsons

Thank you for the opportunity to share! xo

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Pam Johnston's avatar

So glad to discover your Substack! Mine is focused on caregiving for my husband with Parkinson's and related dementia. PD is such a difficult and mysterious diagnosis. I'm glad to have connected with you.

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Sondra Primeaux's avatar

Also, I'm in Austin. We're practically neighbors.

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Sondra Primeaux's avatar

Oh yes, indeed. Pleased to connect with you as well. Xo

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Shelly's avatar

Sondra! What a gem. Looking forward to reading more. -Fellow Gen X woman with "a project"

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Sondra Primeaux's avatar

I look forward to reading about your project as well! xo

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Pam Johnston's avatar

This essay developed from my constant sense of being in between identities. I'm the wife of a husband who is slowly disappearing into dementia--so am I actually married if my husband doesn't know who I am? (Legally, of course, that's a simple question. Practically? Not so much.)

https://msmiddler.substack.com/p/widowish

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Deb Kelner, she/her's avatar

I have great admiration for your honesty. I've read (and now commented upon) several of your pieces.

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Pam Johnston's avatar

Thanks so much, Deb.

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Susie Schwartz's avatar

Did you know this about your breasts? I wrote this because I had no idea (until I did) and it could save lives. https://open.substack.com/pub/lesshealthstress/p/what-glennon-doyle-and-co-taught?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=1gejp4

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Dawn Levitt's avatar

Read with interest and restacked. I'm a fellow dense breast sister.

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That Hag's avatar

This is such an important topic! Glad you wrote about it. Starting just this year, women in the US must be notified if their mammogram reveals dense breast tissue, per an FDA rule. It's astonishing and upsetting that we're only getting to this now. (for more info: https://www.cnn.com/2024/09/09/health/mammogram-breast-density-fda-wellness/index.html)

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Susie Schwartz's avatar

Thanks! And I agree. So important.

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Vera Jerinic-Brodeur's avatar

Extremely dense here 👋

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Susie Schwartz's avatar

I'm glad you know your density. A lot of women don't!

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Vera Jerinic-Brodeur's avatar

Yes! I admire the work you're doing. I just recommended you.

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Susie Schwartz's avatar

Thank you!! This means so much!

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